Dear unhappy customer,

I hope you have a terrific time reading the email I sent you. I wrote it in the middle of the night at 4.07am because it bothers me so much that I can't sleep and has been emoing after it.

See, it's not my fault that you didn't get the delivery advice. Some postman are lazy and don't put them at the doorstep. The wind may have blown it away, which believe me, happen A LOTS of time (it always end up at my neighbour) It may be in your letter box and you have thrown it away with the flyers.

You may not believe my hundred and one reasons and explanations and insist it's my fault. You claim that your maid is at home. With the proliferation of construction workers dating maids in Singapore, how can you be 100% sure that your maid is at home? Or maybe, your maid was at the market/toilet/vacuuming when the postman tried to mail your parcel? Have you ever think about the hundred and one possibilities that could have occurred while the postman was there?

I don't know why you insist it's my fault that you didn't receive your delivery advice. It's like you blaming me for not being the postman myself. Or perhaps you blame me for not being there to monitor the postman when he delivers your parcel? Maybe you can offer me a job, I charge $10 per hour, same as my part-time job.

If you think $10 per hour is too expensive, maybe you can get your maid to stand at the doorstep 24/7? I think that will ensure that you got your parcel. But maybe then you should build a toilet at your doorstep before she's there 24/7, you know, just in case she needs to go to the loo and the postman is there. And maybe you can supply her with a continuous flow of coffee as well, you know, just in case she fell asleep.

If you think the above solutions are too difficult/costly to implement, how about I suggest a BETTER solution to you? Maybe you can opt for meetup? I pass the item straight to you, and it reaches you later in 2 seconds, safe and sound.

Oh wait, don't do that, because if I meet you, there is this high possibility that my hand may accidentally hit your cheek, you know, most specifically your left cheek since I'm a right-handed. I don't know why it does that sometimes, I think maybe it likes dramatic people who create a big hooha over nothing?

So, I guess the BEST solution is this: why don't you simply not buy from me again? I hope to never see your name in my inbox. The small amount of profit that I earned from you is simply not worth the drama you have created. In fact, it is not even worth this lengthy post that I wrote to you and the several emails we exchanged. It is confirmed not worth my emo-ness nor the fact that I am still writing this at 4.30am in the middle of the night.

I hope you have fun reading my email, and may it brighten up your day, just like the first ray of the morning sun! Oh wait, please don't blame me if it rains tomorrow. I promise I will shift the rain clouds away from you!

XOXO